Excerpt from the Wikipedia plot synopsis: “Annelle also swears that her personal tragedy will never be able to interfere with her ability to do good hair. Shelby then agrees that Annelle will come to her wedding ‘and have some bleedin’ armadillo grooms cake,’ referencing the armadillo shaped cake which was baked by Shelby’s fiance Jackson’s Aunt Fern Thornton (Ann Wedgeworth). Annelle comes to the wedding, borrowing one of Shelby’s dresses.”
Confession: I had to read the phrase “Shelby’s fiance Jackson’s Aunt Fern Thornton” like FIVE TIMES to figure out what the heck it meant. And then I needed a short power nap to recover. So task #1 is to purge the plot of pointless details like this. There’s also a lot of plot detail focused on Shelby’s frail health, namely her diabetes and kidney problems. According to the latest cutting-edge research, diabetes and kidney disease tend to be kind of depressing topics. So task #2 is to replace these plot points with more of an epic DeMillian feel. Like, two vast and powerful armies concluding a brutal and prolonged war of attrition. And culminating in a 15-minute mano-a-mano duel between the antagonist and protagonist, who’s driven by a lust for pitiless revenge and who’s VERY skilled at kung fu. Which brings us to task #3: While I love Louisiana, it doesn’t really work as a milieu for a kung-fu film. So I’ll reset it in China during the Ming Dynasty.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you … “Steel Mongolians.” Coming s̶o̶o̶n̶ ̶s̶o̶m̶e̶t̶i̶m̶e̶ ̶m̶a̶y̶b̶e̶ to a theater, DVD player, or digital media streamer near you.