By the Hearing of Faith

… that these chocolate cupcakes you sent me to the office with this morning (because you can’t eat dairy) are terrible. Just … awful.

(Originally posted to Facebook on March 31, 2015 at 1:54 PM)

For example, one of my physical chemistry professors once answered the question, “Shouldn’t we set a data rejection region before starting the experiment?” with the question “Why won’t you stop hitting yourself?” But the student couldn’t stop hitting himself because the professor was hitting that student with the student’s OWN HAND. Consequently, we all learned a LOT that day ….

(Originally posted to Facebook on March 30, 2015 at 8:49 AM)

Do we also debate whether or not to wear hats on our feet and shoes on our heads?

https://twitter.com/ow/status/577665896241504256/photo/1

(Originally posted to Facebook on March 29, 2015 at 9:02 PM)

Find some dairy-free dairy products.

(Originally posted to Facebook on March 28, 2015 at 6:48 AM)

… so that we only have to worry about feeding Eli. We’re eating like diamond-tipped-swagger-stick-wielding plutocrats, and even our bread is no mere bread: The package informs us that it contains an “elegant neo-Tuscan demi-loaf.” Pretty swanky! Thanks, everyone.

(Originally posted to Facebook on March 25, 2015 at 9:33 PM)

Jessie: No worries. None of your yoga pants match my mesh “Dukes of Hazzard” tank top or my “Hello Kitty” leg warmers.

(Originally posted to Facebook on March 23, 2015 at 12:09 PM)

Man: I do not know whether I dreamt I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.

Baby: Neither. You’re a man hallucinating that he’s a 4th-century BC Chinese philosopher having an ontological crisis.

Man: Really?

Baby: Really. You’re so sleep deprived that five minutes ago you thought you were Vic Tayback on the set of “Alice.”

… if I couldn’t eat without two giants 20+ times my size kissing my head, I’d probably wet my pants during mealtimes too.

(Originally posted to Facebook on March 19, 2015 at 8:14 PM)

Because I just told Eli that he’s a “good dog.”

(Originally posted to Facebook on March 18, 2015 at 6:23 PM)

http://www.artofmanliness.com/2014/03/19/how-to-poop-like-a-samurai/

(Originally posted to Facebook on March 18, 2015 at 11:29 AM)