By the Hearing of Faith

“No, Mister. No more bottle for you. You’ve had enough.”

“Is that pee? Why are your pants wet? Did you just pee?”

“What do you want? I can’t help you if you’re just going to yell. Please calm down, Mister.”

“Hey, you can’t sleep here. Wake up.”

(Originally posted to Facebook on March 15, 2015 at 7:57 PM)

… we turn to an impartial third-party arbiter: the right honorable Judge Hanes.

We both agree he’s tough but fair. And the harshest sentence is maybe a gentle nibbling of the toes, but only to ensure the public order in difficult circumstances.

(Originally posted to Facebook on March 15, 2015 at 3:26 PM)

… who’s been especially fussy/ravenous the past few days, and has found that he’s on a continual growth “spurt” that should last from now until around September, at which time–according to my math–he’ll be large enough to play on the Denver Broncos’ defensive line.

(Originally posted to Facebook on March 15, 2015 at 12:43 AM)

Baby: What are you writing?

Adult: I’m logging.

Baby: What are you logging?

Adult: I’m logging your diaper.

Baby: Logging my diaper?

Adult: Yes.

Baby: Um … I just did that.

Adult: …?

Baby: I just … “logged” my diaper.

Adult: Oh …? Oh! Yeah, yeah. I’m … just writing that down.

Baby: Cool. Gonna get some shuteye now.

Adult: Okay. Seeya in two hours.

Baby: Zzzz…zzZzz ….

(Originally posted to Facebook on March 13, 2015 at 12:06 AM)

… that our favorite swaddle/sleepsack is conspicuously similar to a straitjacket. At least that’s what we tell ourselves.

(Originally posted to Facebook on March 11, 2015 at 12:11 AM)

(Originally posted to Facebook on March 10, 2015 at 6:30 PM)

And by “best,” I mean “willing to have his/her vitals taken by a future medical professional.”

http://bit.ly/1G0DjPo

(Originally posted to Facebook on March 10, 2015 at 2:15 AM)

According to the Mayo Clinic, “Many kids show interest in potty training by age 2, but others might not be ready until age 2 1/2 or even older.” And judging by the condition of the restrooms in my office building, “older” can include even the fourth or fifth decade of life.

(Originally posted to Facebook on March 10, 2015 at 8:11 AM)

… and yet I have to admit being somewhat jealous/covetous of Eli’s new toy. Tomorrow, I’m calling the customer hotline to see if they have one for a 72″ tall 185-lb “child.”

(Originally posted to Facebook on March 8, 2015 at 7:06 PM)

So why don’t YOU adjust YOUR feeding schedule, time wizards?

(Originally posted to Facebook on March 8, 2015 at 3:28 AM)